As I'm sitting at my kitchen table writing this post I'm looking out at the quiet gray sky outlining the bare trees surrounding our house. We've come through the coldest week on record here in our part of the south. Although we didn't receive ten feet of snow like some of our western counterparts it was interesting to say the least. I can't help to compare our weather situation to what seems to be my real life situation right now. The past two months I have gone through the hardest trial of my life. One that shook my faith to it's core and rocked my family, and marriage life. So, while I was sitting, curled up in a fetal position in my bed I couldn't help but wonder, "Where do I go from here?" "How does God rebuild from this?"
Well I have the answer. Sort of. He DOES rebuild. But it is a very painful and sometimes exhausting experience.
I will not name names or point fingers or say exactly what happened because I don't believe that letting angry fester into bitterness solves anything. And though I have been terribly hurt by this person I still love them and wish no ill will on their life.
I found out quite a while ago that someone was saying things about my husband that I knew were untrue and completely unjustified. Hoping the problem would just go away (yeah not so much) I never confronted them (I hate conflict). But through circumstances I don't care to divulge it came time for me to jump in and ask the questions that I didn't want to ask. The answer was not what I dreamed or imagined and completely shattered my heart. Into a million tiny pieces. Why? why why why?? I mourned over our relationship that obviously would be irreparable unless divine intervention rendered it whole again. It is a very hard situation because you see, even if I tried, there is no way that I can truly separate myself from this person. I wouldn't want to. Blood is thicker then water. I'll leave it at that.
On top of this another close relationship of mine, well over 15 years in the making, crumbled as well. And did I mention that I was hardly seeing my husband for all the over time he was clocking? I didn't? Well, I hardly saw my husband.
I felt like I had gone through "The wringer" so to speak, time and again. Blow after heartbreaking blow it seemed it wouldn't end. I knew darkness was knocking on the door of my heart and if I let it depression would do it's best to consume me. But this time I wasn't going to let that happen. I decided to fight back. I will admit at first it was on my own strength and from that mistake anger began creeping in. But my dear family, my father, mother, and little sister reminded me that anger only hurts one person and that is you. The person you are angry with goes on completely oblivious while you are consumed.
So this week I have asked God to be brutally honest with me, and I am beginning to realize that every trial that comes my way is to shape me to be more like Him. The other day when all of these thoughts in my head were threatening to consume my day and my night I began praying. And through that time I began quoting in my head, telling God who He is to me and What He has promised me:
1. He is good
2. He is faithful
3. He loves me
4. He will never leave me
5. He is my Father who protects me
6. He is my God who works on my behalf
I'm realizing that you have to be truly broken before any real change can happen in your life. Am I right? I don't want to give up a certain food until I find out it's no longer good for my health. In my life I have done two things: 1. Try to be in control of everything and 2. Care more about what people think of me then God.
This can't happen anymore. All of this I have learned and yet I feel like I have just scratched the surface of my problems. I am so thankful that through this trial God has shown me how much I was living in self-preservation mode. But by His grace, slowly the pieces are coming together. I have joy in my marriage again (I will expound on that way more later but it is for another time) utter satisfaction in my role as a mother now, and I am beginning to love myself. For who I am and not who the world says I am. That is so freeing!
Each day is different, sometimes hard. But always a blessing. I'm so thankful to be alive, and it's all thanks to God. So here is to a new year and moving forward. May God lead us down the path we are meant to walk on.
In His peace,
Liz
Well I have the answer. Sort of. He DOES rebuild. But it is a very painful and sometimes exhausting experience.
I will not name names or point fingers or say exactly what happened because I don't believe that letting angry fester into bitterness solves anything. And though I have been terribly hurt by this person I still love them and wish no ill will on their life.
I found out quite a while ago that someone was saying things about my husband that I knew were untrue and completely unjustified. Hoping the problem would just go away (yeah not so much) I never confronted them (I hate conflict). But through circumstances I don't care to divulge it came time for me to jump in and ask the questions that I didn't want to ask. The answer was not what I dreamed or imagined and completely shattered my heart. Into a million tiny pieces. Why? why why why?? I mourned over our relationship that obviously would be irreparable unless divine intervention rendered it whole again. It is a very hard situation because you see, even if I tried, there is no way that I can truly separate myself from this person. I wouldn't want to. Blood is thicker then water. I'll leave it at that.
On top of this another close relationship of mine, well over 15 years in the making, crumbled as well. And did I mention that I was hardly seeing my husband for all the over time he was clocking? I didn't? Well, I hardly saw my husband.
I felt like I had gone through "The wringer" so to speak, time and again. Blow after heartbreaking blow it seemed it wouldn't end. I knew darkness was knocking on the door of my heart and if I let it depression would do it's best to consume me. But this time I wasn't going to let that happen. I decided to fight back. I will admit at first it was on my own strength and from that mistake anger began creeping in. But my dear family, my father, mother, and little sister reminded me that anger only hurts one person and that is you. The person you are angry with goes on completely oblivious while you are consumed.
So this week I have asked God to be brutally honest with me, and I am beginning to realize that every trial that comes my way is to shape me to be more like Him. The other day when all of these thoughts in my head were threatening to consume my day and my night I began praying. And through that time I began quoting in my head, telling God who He is to me and What He has promised me:
1. He is good
2. He is faithful
3. He loves me
4. He will never leave me
5. He is my Father who protects me
6. He is my God who works on my behalf
I'm realizing that you have to be truly broken before any real change can happen in your life. Am I right? I don't want to give up a certain food until I find out it's no longer good for my health. In my life I have done two things: 1. Try to be in control of everything and 2. Care more about what people think of me then God.
This can't happen anymore. All of this I have learned and yet I feel like I have just scratched the surface of my problems. I am so thankful that through this trial God has shown me how much I was living in self-preservation mode. But by His grace, slowly the pieces are coming together. I have joy in my marriage again (I will expound on that way more later but it is for another time) utter satisfaction in my role as a mother now, and I am beginning to love myself. For who I am and not who the world says I am. That is so freeing!
Each day is different, sometimes hard. But always a blessing. I'm so thankful to be alive, and it's all thanks to God. So here is to a new year and moving forward. May God lead us down the path we are meant to walk on.
In His peace,
Liz
