Monday, April 9, 2012

A testing of faith

My first real blog post since taking such a long break has a very serious subject matter. I have been debating whether or not I wanted to write about it but I feel like I need to talk about an ongoing struggle we have been going through.  I actually wrote a little bit about it back in November, the very night that it happened (if you want to read that post go to Nov. 11 and click on "We can only be certain of one thing; God's presence). I didn't go into detail because I was so scared that night and I felt so overwhelmed I didn't think I could handle putting it all down in words.
I'll give a quick summary and then I will give my thoughts on the following days and months until now.
So, B was on one of his regular shifts. I was home running errands, keeping house, etc. I hadn't talked to him in a while, which I'm used to, so I thought that I would call him up and see if he was free or on a run (or napping lol). He answered the phone after a few rings with his usual, happy "Hey honey!". I smiled and asked him what he had been up to and went on to talk about a couple of runs that he had been on and for some reason as he was talking I was getting this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Then he started telling me about his last run. How they had gotten a call for Metro backup to a well known crack house downtown. A woman was passed out in a pile of garbage and the homeowner "had never seen her before". The cops helped them load her up and they took her to the hospital to be treated for a drug overdose. Not a common story of his but one that didn't surprise me. Still, something didn't sit right with me.
Me: "Hey, did something happen while you were transporting her?"
B: <long pause> "Why are you asking me that?"
Me: "I don't know, I was just wondering."
B: <another long pause> "Well, yeah something did. She attacked me when I tried to check her blood sugar; I was stabbed with her needle."
Me: <Silence>
B: "I'm so sorry baby, I didn't want to tell you until they finished all the blood tests."
Then really quietly he said, "All I could think about was you and the baby."
This conversation lasted about two minutes and then he was called in to take more tests. He apologized and promised to call me back as soon as they were done. Now, all this happened at about 11:30, midnight my time. I was alone at the apartment, no family within a hundred miles, and it was too late to call my church family. Insert my pregnancy hormones on top of it all and you understand how I fell into a crying heap.
Why? out of everyone in the whole city why did my husband have to pick up THAT patient at THAT exact moment?
Now back to the present time. B has passed his blood tests the past two times he has gone and will undergo his last test the 2nd of May to be released or undergo treatment if he has Hep. C or HIV. Thankfully, she tested negative at the hospital for HIV. Though the nurses did tell us that she still could have contracted it in the past three to six weeks before the incident happened. But that was the only thing that they tested her for (which I was NOT happy about at all!) Also, the needle was not hollow that he came into contact with so that is the best possible scenario you could ask for in this crisis. Still. He is my husband, my sweetheart. And I still worry. Since November we have had our ups and downs. We don't talk about it much except when he has to go in for his next screening. But when we do, I can barely stand it. My throat closes up and I can't speak. He understands, and we hold each other. I had a lot of questions for God. Why would He let so many things happen at once? In our first year of marriage? Is it really fair for us to be tested so much, didn't He care?
First lesson I learned, we can't question God. His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways. Nothing comes as a surprise to Him, and to be frank He doesn't answer to me.
Second lesson I learned, God loves us so much. I can't count how many ways He has shown us that He is caring for us, providing for all of our needs, and protecting us (like B and his partner almost getting creamed on the highway the other day going code 3, LONG story). He is Faithful!
Third lesson I learned, life is SO short. I have to say that I stop myself now (not all the time, I'm not perfect) when I get in a disagreement with B or my other family members and friends. It's not worth it! Getting angry is so silly when we could be speaking to our loved ones for the very last time on this earth. We have no guarantee in this life that we will live to be 100 years old. No one can know. When I sit in eternity and look back on my earthly life I want to know that I lived to fulfill my purpose and that I loved with all my heart.
A great, great gift that we received in all of this was our little baby. I think we found out a month and a half before he was stuck. I was super excited but also freaking out because I knew that it was going to be a huge change and I was scared about all that parenthood entailed. Afterwards, my outlook changed completely. Suddenly, raising a child didn't seem so scary (though I know it WILL be hard) and I began feeling even more joy at every kick and movement, anticipating when I would finally meet our sweet angel face to face. God in His mercy knew that we needed someone to make us smile and I can't wait until the baby is born so that our little family will be complete :)
To say that I don't worry would be a lie. I have so many thoughts that keep me up at night sometimes, that it is overwhelming. I am being reminded constantly that it is not about how much faith that I have in God to take care of things but the fact that the God that I have faith in is greater than my circumstances. Make sense? When my faith is at it's smallest God is still Himself. His greatness doesn't depend on my belief; Halleluiah!
One of my favorite Britt Nicole songs is Walk on the Water:
You look around, staring back at you
Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under? You wonder
What if I'm overtaken? What if I never make it?
What if no one's there? Will You hear my prayer?

When you take that first step into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

So get out, and let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste, don't wait, and don't you turn around and miss out
 On everything you were made for, I know you're not sure
So you play it safe, you try to run away

If you take that first step into the unknown
He won't let you go

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

Step out, even when it's storming
Step out, even when you're broken
Step out, even when your heart is telling you
Telling you to give up

Step out, when your hope is stolen
Step out, you can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid
So what are you waiting, what are you waiting for?

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to hold to you
You know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water
Walk on the water, too

These words are so true and I find myself singing them often. There are also several verses that I have come across that I cling to:
"When you pass through the waters,  I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,  they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;  the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43:2

"You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,  too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there;  if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn,   if I settle on the far side of the sea,  even there your hand will guide me,  your right hand will hold me fast.  If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”  even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." Psalm 139: 5-12

" Even to your old age and gray hairs
   I am He, I am He who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
   I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
Isaiah 46:4

Now, I am not going to pretend that I am 100% worry free all the time and I have more days than I like to admit that I waste thinking about how awful we have it. Thankfully, God is not afraid to give me a righteous kick in the behind to get me to realize that I am so blessed. I can rest assured that I am His and He is mine. Forever and for all time He will never leave me.
 I am so thankful for this precious life that God has given me; for my friends, family, and especially my husband and baby. I can't even count the ways that I am blessed, they are too many!
However,  I'd appreciate it if you kept us in your thoughts and prayers. Prayers are powerful things and I have no doubt that God hears every one of His children's pleas. Thank you everyone for letting me have this little therapy session, haha! Sometimes it's healing to just talk about things. I hope that I can keep up with more posts then what I have been doing lately but I can't promise for now ;) Hope you have a blessed evening and thanks again for stopping by!

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